Almost one year since.

Dear blog,
Here I am again. At another pit stop of a journey we call life. At this moment... I feel neither contentment nor trouble. In these past few months leading up till now, I've been honestly busy with the transition from one school to another, the fun years to the serious, from one chapter to the next in my life. I can admit I've had much trouble of late... I always thought I knew what I wanted out of life. I had been inspired from a young age from various influences to seek a career in legal studies. There were three main reasons for this: First, my love for reading mystery-solving books and ones with deep moral values. Secondly, the fact my parents were somewhat approving of a career that would allow me to take care of myself without having to go through the hardship they had to. And also the fact I needed to turn away from the road my brothers and sisters had taken before me. I didn't want to end up being socially pressured into medicine because of the fact I had no choice. I wanted to have that freedom, that independence to steer my own life where I cared to. So I had decided early on to make sure I knew what I wanted exactly and slowly confirming it with my parents. Legal studies was something I enjoyed learning about, the more I delved into that career path, the more I strived for the day I would reach that goal. Not only was it a highly 'respected' job if gone about with a heart meaning well, I was ready to enter the area of children's law. I have a sensationally comforting feeling when I have to take care of children, because I want them to laugh and be able to be genuinely happy. I had always (and still do) considered being a teacher at a childcare as a fall back. To be honest, I would actually much prefer to take that path then anything else in this world... but it's so ironic, that the things you want most are the exact things that you just can't have. But that is why I wanted to work in a children's and family court. I wanted to help keep smiles on their faces, not having to be dragged away from their innocence because of things that are beyond their control. That was my dream. That was the life I had planned out for myself. That was what I wanted. All through my high school years, that was what I had concreted myself around. Then that all changed late last year when I was thrown onto a completely different road... a road all too familiar. I had said to myself I was not going to be pressured to take it, but those words weren't enough. So that is how I have found myself to be here today. Lost on a path I don't know where it will take me and still confused on how much it has changed everything I knew just a few months ago. This year, I feel as if I am drifting... drifting between schools and drifting between old friends and new. I really miss those friends that I'll never be able to replace in my life, they are the reason there are times when I just want to drop everything from my hands and run back in time. To a place that was both familiar and comfortable to me. I know I've met so many honestly great people recently, but I can't help but feel alone? I don't feel as if I belong at this new school and now it's far too late for me to feel as if I belong at my old one - because so much has happened and changed during this time. I've lost my sense of belonging, and now I'm just hoping the wind will blow me towards a good direction. But I'm over worrying about my life like this. I am tired. All I want now is for life to just get on with it, trying to not set up hopes for much and not too little confidence in myself that will put me at another stop. Even the people closest to me who I thought would always be there for me... are slowly fading away. We had always said we would be there for each other no matter what. I know they are also having massive changes in their lives as does everyone. But the more I think about it the more I realise that we are no longer like we used to be. Our conversations are less and less, with next to nothing to share about. Maybe because we don't understand each other's problems as we used to. We used to have time to listen and to take in what was happening, but now I feel as if I am just being briefed and then cut off. Like I'm not needed anymore. Like I've been replaced. And I hate that. But then I want to ask myself... is it really a bad thing? With all that is happening in my own life, should I really be chasing after someone else's business? The answer is, I want to. But I don't want to be a person clinging onto something that has gone with the wind. Am I being an interference... a burden... to these people? I hope not. Because I want to still be apart of their lives, and I want them to be a big part of mine.
The rest of my blog posts hopefully won't be like this one. This is just to open up what has happened and changed in the past few months >.<
Love Jaee. <3

Dear log,

I've counted the months and i havent written to you in nearly half a year (da ban nian), but then again, what is there to say? These past few months I've wondered to myself, and wondered deep about my enjoyment of life. They say life is what you make it, but, I fail to understand why everything had to change so quickly but s-l-o-w-l-y...and boring. I miss last year and all it's memories, I can think of nothing better than to return to those days. I'm not comfortable with the merging of the schools and don't think I ever will be. Who knows. They don't know how much this has affected everything, my mood, my mindset. These days I feel more a fool than I ever did. I know i've done way more stupid things before, but everything I do now feels empty and pointless. I used to know what i wanted in life. I don't know about now. Everything in my life seems so much more depressing, I never thought I would feel this way. I was always sure I would stay cheerful inside, but the mask I have to put on nearly everyday to pretend to be okay is... hurting. I think I need a change of scenery. A change. That's it. A better change. A change from the painful dragging on of the last few months. The people in my life don't have so much to do with my problem, just the depressing environment and pace of things. I feel I want to change schools or something. I don't think I can stand anything anymore, nowadays even the tiniest flick can annoy me to no end. I'm starting to hate myself for it. For everything. When I'm at school, I can never seat myself down, I'm always having to stand for all the other things in the world to pass me by. I can never have a rest even though the time is pointless. I don't understand why they had to change the school. They don't understand crap. Their whole system is stuffed up. -.-" I don't know who im against anymore. Me? Or is it really the school? Or am i just making up excuses and blaming it on something else. Arghh...

I should probably stop writing, I'm feeling extreme depression coming along. xD

Bedtime Stories

BAHAHAHAHA!!

LOL. i went to watch bedtime stories today and it was okay but it wasnt like that good. but... the good thing was i didnt have to pay, but thats what older sisters are for i guess- paying the price for ur entertainment. yeaa that was around 5:30 though, so before that i was at home webcamming with my crowd of cousins and relatives in the states. yeaa... nearly all my relatives are in the u.s so it was the first time i'd seen ANY of them apart from when i was a baby and they were here to visit. they teased us alot though, about the kangaroos, aussie accents and strangely - ugg boots -.-', they also mentioned 'australia the sunburnt country' - most probs cos they saw me :( ...not my fault the sun likes to burn me EVEN during the night... but thats a different story from long long ago...

anyways. omg oh yeaa, there was a cat in my backyard and i was afraid to go outside... when my dad told me to go start the car so we could go library i was like shitting myself, if u havent already caught on im scared crapless of cats, even if theyre 'cute'. i was like a coward ninja creeping to the car - i was paranoid it'd come and 'get me'. as soon as i got in the car i was like half dying from the stuffyness of the car and the cat. see, i am scared of cats.

later, kelly called - its been a l-o-n-g time since ive talked to her - and she asked if i was going back to taekwondo next yr, i said i probs will but not at the same place, ill probably go B.T .... or maybe..... ILL START JUDO!! or some japanese sword fighting it looks fun :D LOL i rejoined badminton a few months ago but never went practices so i guess its not happening anymore? oops... but im happy im getting back into these things its been ages since. (but then again ill probably never get to signing up... -.-' )

well, im gonna go off now. laters. XD

Shopping!!

Yesterday we went boxing day shopping at Knox City. It was kinda weird for me actually, i went to carly's house in the morning and we played her wii til like 9 and then went Knox. We went shopping like crazy for 3 hours, and then waited for dolly and elena at the cinemas. We waited for like an half an hour and they didnt show up. man, and then we found out dolly couldnt come. elena eventually came, but carly had to go to a wedding so yeaa.

Ele and me went shopping everywhere and she ended up getting a new sportsgirl bag. like after a while our legs killed so we went to eat lunch, i had subway and she was still looking around to what to get - which was a very l-o-n-g time. i finally told her to go to this fish n chip shop where she bought wedges. The guy who served her looked so much like the ichigo at manifest >.<

She didnt believe me though when i told her afterwards D: While we were at cotton on she kept suggesting we go back cos she STILL had a photo of the ichigo on her phone and wanted to compare. AS IF. ...but 'somehow' we found our way back there...and he apparently didnt look like it. so yeaa... *go get ur eyes checked jess* =.=

by 6 we were both planning to go home so i called my sister to pick me up, and she said go walk around for another hour. So we did since elena's parents didnt mind. After an hour i called again and she said she was leaving rite then. So i waited another half hour. And then surprise surprise i called her again AND she JUST finished showering. i felt bad that elena was waiting with me, but there wasnt much i could do. my sis did eventually come pick me up but around 8. Elena went home and my sis decided to SHOP. we were there til 10 and she suggested we go chaddy til late. WTH MAN. WTH.

i already shopped for 12 hours and i was tired like crazy. oh and i was broke ;(

Ok its like late now, so im gonna sign off. i didnt write about today cos i did nothing at home except sleep, read and watch stuff. boring huh?

Merry Christmas

Dear blog,

It's my first time ever using this 'tool' but i'm glad i am because i've been meaning to start a diary - that actually sticks XD. Because i'm on the net alot of the time anyway...

OMG. Its christmas day and im stuck on a comp writing this crap (im sure u dont want to hear about). You can thank Teresa for that ;). btw teresa have a EXTRA merry christmas :D

Well, today i got up at like 7am this morning to make dinner...i know weird huh? FYI. It takes me ages to cook cause things need to be made earlier :P. I finally finished reading twilight yesterday, it took me less than 2 days. World record huh?

oooohh. i almost forgot. there is a pressie under the tree HOPEFULLY for moi - its a new phone o.O i really do need a new one since mine always break or go into some freak accident...but david seems to be being asked quite often these days, "hey which one do you like more, sony ericsson or samsung?" =.= stupid brothers...

mmm... there seems to be no end to elena and her issues...but hopefully it'll work out ok for the both of them. cant believe he said he'd wait tho...thats like O.O what a guy.

OMG. i swear amy man, for family k.k she gave me a 12 pack box of bullclips - with only 3 in there. luckily, she gave me $20 afterwards. lucky.
i also got my other sister a puma top and a car vacuum cleaner, and she liked it. XD

well, after the presents we just played someones newly attained boggle game and, cops and killers. fun game it is - when u play it properly...
thats pretty much it and cos im too lazy to write more stuff. maybe some other day? maybe when im not being killed all the time during first round of 'cops and killers'? i know they have something against me -.-

Jess.