Almost one year since.

Dear blog,
Here I am again. At another pit stop of a journey we call life. At this moment... I feel neither contentment nor trouble. In these past few months leading up till now, I've been honestly busy with the transition from one school to another, the fun years to the serious, from one chapter to the next in my life. I can admit I've had much trouble of late... I always thought I knew what I wanted out of life. I had been inspired from a young age from various influences to seek a career in legal studies. There were three main reasons for this: First, my love for reading mystery-solving books and ones with deep moral values. Secondly, the fact my parents were somewhat approving of a career that would allow me to take care of myself without having to go through the hardship they had to. And also the fact I needed to turn away from the road my brothers and sisters had taken before me. I didn't want to end up being socially pressured into medicine because of the fact I had no choice. I wanted to have that freedom, that independence to steer my own life where I cared to. So I had decided early on to make sure I knew what I wanted exactly and slowly confirming it with my parents. Legal studies was something I enjoyed learning about, the more I delved into that career path, the more I strived for the day I would reach that goal. Not only was it a highly 'respected' job if gone about with a heart meaning well, I was ready to enter the area of children's law. I have a sensationally comforting feeling when I have to take care of children, because I want them to laugh and be able to be genuinely happy. I had always (and still do) considered being a teacher at a childcare as a fall back. To be honest, I would actually much prefer to take that path then anything else in this world... but it's so ironic, that the things you want most are the exact things that you just can't have. But that is why I wanted to work in a children's and family court. I wanted to help keep smiles on their faces, not having to be dragged away from their innocence because of things that are beyond their control. That was my dream. That was the life I had planned out for myself. That was what I wanted. All through my high school years, that was what I had concreted myself around. Then that all changed late last year when I was thrown onto a completely different road... a road all too familiar. I had said to myself I was not going to be pressured to take it, but those words weren't enough. So that is how I have found myself to be here today. Lost on a path I don't know where it will take me and still confused on how much it has changed everything I knew just a few months ago. This year, I feel as if I am drifting... drifting between schools and drifting between old friends and new. I really miss those friends that I'll never be able to replace in my life, they are the reason there are times when I just want to drop everything from my hands and run back in time. To a place that was both familiar and comfortable to me. I know I've met so many honestly great people recently, but I can't help but feel alone? I don't feel as if I belong at this new school and now it's far too late for me to feel as if I belong at my old one - because so much has happened and changed during this time. I've lost my sense of belonging, and now I'm just hoping the wind will blow me towards a good direction. But I'm over worrying about my life like this. I am tired. All I want now is for life to just get on with it, trying to not set up hopes for much and not too little confidence in myself that will put me at another stop. Even the people closest to me who I thought would always be there for me... are slowly fading away. We had always said we would be there for each other no matter what. I know they are also having massive changes in their lives as does everyone. But the more I think about it the more I realise that we are no longer like we used to be. Our conversations are less and less, with next to nothing to share about. Maybe because we don't understand each other's problems as we used to. We used to have time to listen and to take in what was happening, but now I feel as if I am just being briefed and then cut off. Like I'm not needed anymore. Like I've been replaced. And I hate that. But then I want to ask myself... is it really a bad thing? With all that is happening in my own life, should I really be chasing after someone else's business? The answer is, I want to. But I don't want to be a person clinging onto something that has gone with the wind. Am I being an interference... a burden... to these people? I hope not. Because I want to still be apart of their lives, and I want them to be a big part of mine.
The rest of my blog posts hopefully won't be like this one. This is just to open up what has happened and changed in the past few months >.<
Love Jaee. <3